Goal: To help you develop the ability to think of your finances from a joint perspective, creatively visualizing how the two of you can work together to create a better life than either of you could create independently. 

You were attracted to your partner for certain unique and special reasons. Often the life partners we pick are similar to us in many ways. For instance, they may share our religion, or have similar levels of education, or other background similarities. These similarities provide a sound basis for your relationship. You can talk with this person because you understand many things in the same way. But then you may have been brought together by some attractions that operate at a deeper level. There was a reason why you were brought together with this particular person and not all the others with the same similarities.

People are often drawn to their partners because those people complement their personalities; parts of their psyches fit together like the pieces in a jigsaw puzzle. Someone who wants to be taken care of may find someone who wants or needs to be a caretaker. Someone who is cautious might be drawn to a risk taker. It’s also not uncommon to pick someone who recreates the dynamics of the relationship that you had with a parent when you were growing up.

However, what attracted you initially often can lead to difficulties later on. For example, the outgoing, funny, and very sociable person you were attracted to might begin to seem loud and overbearing a few years later. When the going gets tough, the sympathetic, sweet person you were attracted to might seem too passive and nonassertive.

But the differences between you can also function as a powerful positive force, and can allow you to do things together that neither of you could do along. Some of the great partnerships in history illustrate this. John Lennon and Paul McCartney were both good songwriters: Lennon was a hard-driving rocker and McCartney a sweet balladeer. As the Beatles, the two of them together created songs that changed the musical landscape, something neither could have done by himself.

Both you and your partner have skills and attitudes that have allowed you to reach the point you are at today. As partners, you now have common goals and dreams. By combining your skills and talent, you can work on those dreams together. And you can do this work better together than either of you could do alone. 

Goals and Dreams 

A goal is a realistic objective that you can reach by following careful, consistent steps. A dream is more ambitious; it is something that will take a leap of faith and an extra push to attain. (Publishing this book has satisfied one of my dreams.)

You can think of the progress of your life as a series of stepping stones. Once you realize one goal, the next step becomes easier. In fact, in many instances, you can make a dream come true by completing a series of goals. For example, let’s say your dream is to own a beautiful home. Your goals along the road to achieving this dream might be as follows: 

1. Create a work situation that generates enough income to save some money every month. 

2. Save a small down payment. 

3. Buy a starter home or “fixer-upper.” 

4. Accumulate equity in your starter home. 

5. Use the equity in your starter home and other savings to purchase your dream home. 

Each of these five steps can be broken down into even smaller steps, so that every step will seem reasonable and easily attainable.

When you share dreams with your partner, you double your potential to do great things. You and your partner can help each other in many ways. You can offer each other emotional support, encouragement, and inspiration. One of you can earn the money, while the other does the footwork, paperwork, and negotiations. One person can pick up extra responsibilities while the other puts more energy into achieving the goal.

Here are some examples of financial goals and dreams. They’re organized from basic to ambitious. Pick one to start with, or come up with one of your own: 

• Pay off your debts

• Free up time so you can spend evenings with each other.

• Take a short vacation together before the end of the year.

• Save 5 percent of your income every month.

• Change to a job that pays better, or switch careers.

• Do a type of creative work (i.e., paint, act, write, teach) that will bring you greater emotional satisfaction than just earning money.

• Buy a home together.

• Start a small business that you can run from home.

• Earn all of your income from self-employment.

• Totally support yourselves by investments and by generating more passive income. 

(Passive income is income that you get without working. It may be money that you get from investments, such as bank interest or stock dividends, or it may be money that you get from work that you did in the past, such as royalties on book sales.) 

EXERCISE: FINANCIAL GOALS AND DREAMS 

As with all of the exercises in this book, you can complete your partner’s section based on what you know about him or her. You can complete it after you talk it over with your partner, or you can have your partner complete it.

A good way to start would be to complete the exercises yourself. This will help you to organize your thoughts about “the Dream,” and provide you with a springboard for discussing the Dream with your partner. 

1. The Dream. Write down a dream that you have for yourself, and you’d like to share with your partner. Starting small is fine. But if you’d like to make this exercise more exciting, pick something right on the edge of what you think is possible. Don’t choose something completely unrealistic, such as becoming a world class athlete or a movie star, but pick a dream that is a stretch when you consider your current circumstances, such as owning your own business, instead of working for someone else. 

2. Whose Dream is it? Circle a number below to show to what degree this is your dream, your partner’s dream, or a dream shared by both of you. If you don’t know your partner’s feeling about it, it’s likely to be more your dream than his or hers. But even if this is the case, after discussing it with your partner, you might be able to turn it into a shared dream.

The scale below ranges from 1, “My Partner’s Dream” to 5, “My Dream.” If the dream is entirely yours, then you’ll circle 5. You would also circle 5 if your partner has no interest in your dream and can’t see any personal benefits coming out of it. IF you rate your dream a 5, you’ll be going it alone. You’ll want to consider whether this dream will be feasible for you and your partner, or whether it will put too much strain on your relationship. Investigating a lot of energy into a dream that your partner doesn’t share at all can be very frustrating and potentially it could cause conflict. You’ll need either to convince your partner that achieving your dream would benefit both of you, or you’ll want to modify your dream to include your partner.

Many of your goals and dreams would be rated “2.” This means that, although you cam up with the idea, your partner can see some benefit to it. Circling “3” means that the dream is equally shared by the two of you: you are both equally motivated to work for it. A “4” indicates that it is more your partner’s dream than yours, and a “5” indicates that it is exclusively your partner’s dream. 

My Dream Shared Dream My Partner’s Dream1 2 3 4 5

3. How our lives will change. When you’re trying to bring a dream into reality, it helps to clarify what the realization of that dream will mean to you and your partner. For example, will it mean more money, more free time, more personal fulfillment in your work, or a more enjoyable life? Now, write what you think will happen if you realize your dream. 

Realizing the dream will change my life in these ways: 

Realizing the dream will change my partner’s life in these ways: 

4. My Involvement / My Partner’s Involvement. Your partner might actively share your dream and completely share in the effort that it takes to make your dream become a reality. Buying a house often is a shared dream. Some dreams are more individual, and your partner may be less directly involved. What kind of involvement do you anticipate your partner will contribute? Consider that you wrote above, and remember that the more your partner benefits from the dream the more you can probably expect of him or her. 

Circle a number on the scales below to show how much you and your partner will contribute to each of the following items in the realization of the dream:

Circle “1” on the Money scale below if you expect your partner to entirely finance the dream, “2” if you’ll make some contribution, with your partner carrying the bulk of the finances, “3” if you’ll share the financial part equally, “4” if you’ll finance most of it, and “5” if you expect no support at all from your partner.

Money (For example, if you’re buying a house, whose income or savings will furnish the down payment, and who will be responsible for the mortgage payments?)

My Partner We’ll Share Myself

1 2 3 4 5 

Time and Work (for example, if you’re buying a house, who’s going to find an agent, look at houses, talk to appraisers, negotiate with the seller, contact a loan agent, be responsible for raising the down payment, and so forth?) Circle the number that seems most appropriate. 

My Partner We’ll Share Myself

1 2 3 4 5 

Emotional Support (If attaining the dream begins to seem harder to accomplish than you had originally thought it would be, who’s going to keep the dream going?) 

My Partner We’ll Share Myself

1 2 3 4 5 

The ratings you made above show how much involvement you expect to have in achieving the dream, compared to how much involvement you expect to have in achieving the dream, compared to ho much involvement you expect your partner to have. These ratings should be fairly consistent with the rating you gave to Whose dream is it? For instance, if you indicate that it’s mostly your dream by giving a “4” or “5” rating to “Whose dream is it?” then you can’t expect your partner to provide most or all of the money, work, and/or emotional support (ratings in the 1 to 2 range).

Let’s say, for example, that you would like to return to school for a graduate degree, and your partner reluctantly agrees. If you expect your partner to pay your tuition, help with your homework, and to listen sympathetically when you’re overwhelmed by final exams, you’re bound to be disappointed. If you want to keep the peace, you’ll either need to make it a shared dream by selling your partner on the benefits of your dream, or drawing deeper on your personal resources to achieve your dream. Or you may need to modify your dream. 

5. How will we get there?

Consider the actual steps you’ll need to accomplish to realize your dream. You’ll start out with small steps that you can do easily; for example, doing research, contacting people for information, regularly setting aside a certain amount of money. These small steps make the next steps possible, and will allow you to realize your dream eventually. 

First Steps: What will you do over the next few months? Consider what you need to do to start moving toward the dream. When you take these first steps, you are laying the foundation for you dream. Do you need more information? Personal contacts? How will you involve your partner? If you are buying a house, you’ll need to do some research to find out what you can afford, where you’d like to live, and how much you will need to save.

Write down the first steps that you will take on the road to making your dream a reality. Be sure to include dates for accomplishing these fist steps: 

These are the first steps that I’ll take towards realizing the dream: 

Middle Steps: This stage is often the “nuts and bolts” or hard work of moving toward your dream. This may happen over a period of time, possibly years. What do you need to do, and what do you anticipate your partner doing? If you’re planning to buy a house, saving a down payment will be a large part of the work. In the First Steps you found out how much you need to save for the type of house you want. Now you’ll need to figure out a way to save for the type of house you want. Now you’ll need to figure out a way to save for this goal by setting aside a certain amount of money each month. In all likelihood, you will either need to cut back your expenses or increase your income to accomplish this. 

These are the intermediate steps that I (we’ll) take toward realizing the dream: 

Final Steps: By the time you’ve completed all of the middle steps, the momentum will almost carry you through the final steps. Once you’ve made all the preparation and investment, what will you need to do to nail down your dream? If you’re buying a house, in this stage you’ll contact a real estate agent and sign up for the agent’s services. Then you will look at houses, and make your bids.

These are the final steps toward realizing the dream:





Reprinted with permission by New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
The Couple's Guide to Love & Money
by Jonathan Rich, Ph. D.
www.newharbinger.com