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| by Caroline Tiger |
 VIEW BOOK! The term “ one night stand” comes from the days when touring theater companies performed for single nights in towns whose limited populations could fill the concert hall only once. Modern one night stands usually don’t require an audience, but they do involve a one-night-only performance. That’s fine when both parties are expecting a one night stand. But problems lurk when one parry doesn’t agree to or understand that it’s a limited engagement. When the encounter occurs in a place far from home, say on a business trip, with a person you’re likely never to meet again, it’s not so much of a problem. But when it’s closer to home, and especially when this person is someone you’ll be seeing again, it’s important to establish boundaries up front. Here are some brief ground rules that should be followed before thing get too hot and heavy. 1. If it looks like things are heading toward a home base, you should stop and say, “Are you sure you want to continue?” 2. If your partner responds with, “Yes, I’m so happy you’re my boyfriend,” you will need to stop and let this person know that you consider this a one-night thing, not a relationship-starter. Say, “I thought it was clear. I’m sorry. I’m not looking for a girlfriend.” 3. If you are slapped, mumble your apologies and leave quickly. 4. If your partner indicates that she thinks you’re kidding. And says, “Yeah, right. Me, neither. Ha!,” you will need to cease all sexual activity immediately and clear up the confusion: Your actions must be in line with your words. 5. Should your partner agree that this is a on-time-only encounter, you’ve got the green light: proceed. What’s Expected After a One Night Stand The one night stand participant is obliged to make a post-stand courtesy call. Nodding to tradition, it’s usually the man who asks for his stand-mate’s phone number or e-mail address as they’re saying goodbye the morning after, but it’s also entirely acceptable for the woman to make the call, especially if she was the initiator. Here’s how to go about the follow-up: 1. In the afternoon of the following day, make a phone call or send an email to your stand-mate. 2. Casually ask after the person: “hi, I’m calling/writing to say hello, to see how your day went…” 3. Based on your comfort level, you might allude to the previous evening’s activities: “Are you as tired as I am?” 4. Express thanks for the night before without getting graphic (chances are you’re at work). Simply say, “I wanted to call and thank you for last night. I had a great time.” 5. If you’d like to see your stand mate again, this is your opportunity to ask for a follow-up date. 6. If not, this is where you should definitively end the conversation. End with well wishes, possibly for something specific that you learned about the person during the course of your short affair: “Best of luck with your modeling career. I’ll look for you on the pages of Vogue.” What to Keep on Hand for and Overnight Guest Spare toothbrush Extra contact lens case Towels Condoms in different sizes Extra Pillows Tylenol Coffee Breakfast food Etiquette Tip Though it’s economical to buy in bulk, it’s not advisable to keep an economy-size roll of condoms in the bedside table. Unspooling the massive wheel might intimidate, alarm, and just possibly cool the passions of your nighttime guest. Booty Calls A variation on the overnight guest is the booty call, when occasional hook-up buddies or former flames call on each other for some instantaneous action. The booty call happens late at night, when the bars are about to close, or when one of the people involved has just returned form a disastrous date. Either way, the calls come with an air of desperation and the understanding that there are no strings attached. Beyond these rules, what are the booty call guidelines? 1. A booty call should be extend only when both parties are single. Don’t jeopardize someone’s relationship by propositioning them when you know they’re currently monogamous. 2. Never booty call someone who wants to be in a relationship with you or who has already been in a relationship with you that you ended ambiguously. Booty calling will get their hopes up, and this is unfair. 3. A booty call may be communicated by text message. 4. That the call is for booty will be immediately obvious by the timing of the call. If someone calls at 2:00am and asks, “Can I come over?,” they’re not interested in borrowing sugar. There’s no need to be explicit during the call – the intent is implied. 5. Call the following day to say thank you and to confirm that you value hour booty-call partner. You might say, “Thanks for last night. It’s always great to see you.” The TMI Friend Tidbits of gossip are more special when they’re scarce but juicy. They become crass and annoying when a friend has the tendency to dish way too much. Sometimes you really don’t want to hear any more about the five new positions he tried over the weekend and the chandelier he and his wild sex partner broke when they were swinging from it. How so you muzzle the TMI friend? Try to change the subject. Use a segue from the TMI friend’s anecdote. For example, “Oh, a chandelier? Over the weekend I saw the most beautiful chandelier made from Austrian crystal.” Don’t react to the stories. Instead of registering shock and awe, act blasé about the sexual fireworks the friend is describing. Say, “Huh, sounds interesting,” and yawn. Try to one-up the TMI friend, since what they really want is to be known as the superlative. Make up a doozy of your own: “Oh that’s nothing. One time my ex and I were so out of control, we broke through a wall!” As a last resort, be straight with the TMI friend. Confide that “I really don’t want to know this much about you sex life.” PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION (PDA) When a new relationship escalates form like ot lust, a couple may find it difficult to keep their hands off one antother. To the newly smitten, private and public are mere words, since they only have eyes for each other. There’s nothing wrong with expressing yourself in this manner – but there is something very wrong when people won don’t want to watch can’t help but watch. In order to coexist peacefully with a potential audience of watchers, new lovers in populated spots should observes some basic rules: 1. No open-mouth or French kissing, unless you happen to be in a train station or airport and are saying goodbye for what will be an extended period of separation. 2. No touching off (or near) genitals. 3. No butt-touching, and that includes putting your hands in each other’s back pockets. When She’s into PDA but You’re Not Relationships often suffer form imbalances – one person’s more in love, one person needs more attention, one person is more into PDA. What do you do if you’re on the modest end of the PDA continuum? 1. Let your partner know that you like touching and hugging, but you just don’t feel comfortable dong so in public, where other people can see. 2. Give your partner some options. Say, “This doesn’t mean we have to cut it out altogether. I still want to be able to express my affection for you, no matter where we are.” Detail the gestures you don’t find objectionable. These might include hand-holding, quick pecks on the cheek, closemouthed kisses, an arm around the shoulder or waist. 3. Let her know that pretty much everything else is off limits, unless you’re in private. 4. If your partner initiates an off-limits display, such as slipping you some tongue during an alleged close-mouthed kiss, pull away immediately to remind your partner of your boundaries. Say “Did you forget, sweetie? I’m not comfortable with that in public.” 5. Then initiate your own move from your approved list of “dos” – a sweet kiss on the cheek or a hand-hold – so that your partner doesn’t feel rejected. Public Sex Public sex is PDA’s more dangerous, reckless cousin. Public displays of affection are a nuisance, but they’re sparklers compared to the full-blown fireworks display that is public sex. And fireworks are mighty tough to pull off in a subtle way when you’re on a public beach, in a parked car, in a park , or trying to attain membership in the mile-high club. Still, you’ve got to be subtle if you don’t want to risk offending innocent bystanders, or, worst case scenario, end up hand-cuffed – and not in a fun way. Some rules 1. If you can’t make it snappy, don’t even attempt it. You need to get in, get off, and get out. 2. Make it extra-quick if you’re hogging a room that people might need to legitimately use, such as a restroom, the study room in a college library, or the bathroom at a crowded party. 3. Clean up after yourself. Leave the area as you found it. That includes wiping up sweat and other fluids and discarding your condom and condom wrapper appropriately. 4. Keep the noise down so as not to disturb anyone who might pass by. Presumably, you know which of you is a screamer. The other party should share responsibility for keeping the screamer quiet, by clapping a hand over the louder partner’s mouth when the moment of truth is near. 5. If there is a chance that someone might see you, consider using the clothes you’ve discarded to cover your private parts while you’re in the act. If you are in a public restroom, a security guard or flight attendant or pissed-off pary guest who has to pee might hear you, knock on the door, and demand, “What’s going on in there?” What do you do? 1. One of the guilty parties should make moaning sounds, as if they’re ill. 2. The other should yell back, “She got sick all of a sudden. But it’s okay. We’ve got it under control.” 3. If they say, “Why are you in there?” or “Why is the door locked?” reply that your partner was embarrassed and wanted privacy. Remain vague: “She didn’t want anyone to see her getting sick.” 4. Get dressed and wet the pretend patient’s face and hairline so that she looks clammy and ill. 5. When you emerge, your partner can walk doubled over, clutching her stomach. Reassure whoever’s standing outside: “She’s okay. This happens all the time.” From How To Behave Dating and Sex by Caroline Tiger © 2007 Quirk Productions, Inc. Reprinted with permission. Visit us on the web at www.irreference.com. |
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