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 Kinky Props and Fetish FashionToys for Grown-ups An Excerpt from Friendly Fetish, A Beginner’s Guide to Kink By Emily Dubberley VIEW BOOK! Nowadays, sex toys have entered the mainstream enough that they may not seem fetishistic at all to some people. However, there are still many couples who consider the idea of getting plastic fantastic to be most definitely kinky. And if you think about it, sex toys fit into the technical definition of a fetish because you’re attaching sexual significance to something that is ‘an object or non-genital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation’ (even if said object was designed with sexual pleasure in mind). So it’s certainly something that fits into the ‘friendly fetish’ world. While some toys are clearly designed to look like the genitals that they’re emulating, you can now get vibrators in the shape of a cone or sphere, a lipstick, a bath sponge and numerous different colours of rubber duck. At the more standard end of the range are numerous variations of the ‘Rabbit’ – a vibrator with a rotating shaft to stimulate the G-spot and ‘bunny ears’ to rub against the clitoris – along with small ‘bullets’ that tend to deliver more intense vibrations, love eggs and traditional ‘non-doctor’ vibrators that look like a smooth plastic version of a penis, to name just a few.  And sex toys aren’t just for women. The last few years have seen a massive extension in the range of sex toys for men. In addition to the somewhat risible inflatable dolls on the market, you can now get ribbed, ridged or ‘bobbled’ masturbation gloves that either partner wears to give a different sensation when masturbating the penis. There are suction cups designed to simulate oral sex, fake vaginas and anuses (sometimes both at once) that come in a handy can for ease of storage and prostate massagers should a man prefer stimulation where the sun doesn’t shine. If you’re really loaded, there’s even the option to get sex dolls that look exactly like real women (and can be modeled, somewhat creepily, on a partner of your choice, whether it’s your actual partner or a total stranger). While women may not have quite the same desire to watch their partner using a toy as men tend to, the range of options available means that, should you want to, the resultant show won’t make your partner collapse in giggles. (As long as you don’t opt for the doll.) While some people are uncomfortable with the idea of using sex toys (or, just as commonly, feel intimidated at the idea of their partner using them), they can be a fabulous way to add extra fun to your sex sessions and they’re a lot less expensive nowadays than you might think. In most countries, you can get one of the very cheapest sex toys for as little as the cost of a bottle of beer, although there are also designer sex toys made from platinum trimmed with diamonds, which will, of course, set you back a lot more. Basically, there are toys to suit every budget, so being broke needn’t be a barrier to getting into toy play. If you do like the idea of experimenting with toys, don’t just plunge in by presenting your lover with a bag full of vibrators or masturbation sheaths, a multi-pack of batteries and a jumbo bottle of lube. While this may work for some couples, there’s still a stigma attached to the idea of masturbation for many people, particularly if it’s their partner doing it. They may fear that a sex toy is a replacement for actual sex, or a negative comment about their sexual technique. They might worry that a partner could become addicted to sex toys and go off penetrative sex or they could be concerned that a toy is bigger or tighter than they are and, as such, will increase a partner’s expectations to unrealistic measures. Or they might just feel foolish about the idea of using a piece of plastic to get off. Before you even consider spending any money on a toy, it’s worth discussing any concerns and expectations that you may have about incorporating toys into the relationship. If one partner is reticent, don’t push the issue; there’s no point trying something new unless both of you are into the idea. However, there really is no need to feel intimidated by a toy. It may be available and willing all the time (assuming you’ve got enough batteries), but it can’t give you a hug or a compliment, it can’t kiss and it can’t make you a cup of tea after sex, so there’s no way it’s remotely comparable to a real-life partner. (OK, not all partners will do all the above either, but at least they can be trained.) There are many ways in which sex toys can help to improve your sex life. If one of you feels frisky and the other one isn’t in the mood, a toy can help relieve the pressure. If one of you has reached climax during sex and just wants to go to sleep, a toy can help you give your partner an orgasm before you doze off, and thus stop you from being perceived as a lazy lover. Obviously, having toys in the house makes it more likely that you can fit in a quickie masturbation session when you get a spare five minutes, which can only be a positive thing because orgasms are good for your health as well as feeling pretty damned amazing. And this isn’t just good for you either: according to research, the more orgasms a person has, the more they want, so you’re actually more likely rather than less so to pounce on your partner if you masturbate on a regular basis. Once you’ve discussed any concerns that you might have about sex toys, by far the easiest way to introduce them into your relationship is to buy a toy together that you can use together. That way, you can ensure that neither of you feels uncomfortable with the toy, either mentally or physically, and both of you get maximum benefit from it. There are numerous ways in which to use sex toys together. For example, a bullet-style vibrator can be held against the clitoris during sex to increase a woman’s pleasure, or held against the perineum during penetrative or oral sex to increase the man’s. A vibrating cock ring will help a man stay harder for longer while increasing the thrills for his partner. And anal beads can be used by either partner to add an extra dimension to sex (but don’t share them, unless you wash them thoroughly and use anti-bacterial wipes on them in between sessions). You can also get toys that are specifically designed for couples: cock ring/bullet vibe combinations that are attached to each other so you can use both at once; finger vibrators that either partner can slip on to add an extra buzz to manual stimulation; and oral sex toys that either slip over the tongue or through a tongue-piercing hole, if you have one, and vibrate as your tongue works its magic. And toys don’t just have to be used when you’re together in a physical sense. You can now get vibrators powered by mobile phone calls: send your lover a text message and, if the toy is in place, you’ll give them an extra thrill. There are remote-controlled vibrators that are discreet enough to wear in public and a fantastic way to get your partner’s attention when they’re on the other side of the room at a party. And there are vibrators that connect to your computer and can be controlled by a lover across the Internet, so you can still indulge in toy play even when you’re apart. Of course, sex toys don’t just have to be about the obvious erogenous zones. Blindfolds can be used for sensual play as well as more extreme kink, and feather ticklers, fake-fur mitts and satin gloves can all be used to change the sensation of stroking your partner’s skin. And then there are the numerous lotions and potions that are out there. You can now get creams to tighten the vagina or swell the G-spot, intensify stimulation or delay ejaculation and warm on contact to give a new sensation altogether. However, do be careful when using such creams: test them on your inner thigh and wait for twenty-four hours before applying them anywhere more sensitive, as you don’t want to discover an allergy by getting bumps all over your bits. That said, as long as you buy these products from a reputable supplier you should be fine; it’s just better to be safe than sorry when it comes to genital health. If you’re still not sure what to buy when you hit the sex shop or online store, think about the ways that you most like to be stimulated, then pick a toy designed for the purpose. See it as an addition to your sex life rather than a replacement: what’s the harm in having an extra way to bring your partner pleasure, after all? Clitoral Stimulation This is by far the most common sort of stimulation that women seek, and every vibrator will provide it as long as you, surprise, surprise, hold it against the clitoris. However, not all toys are created equal. The ubiquitous Rabbit has specially designed bunny ears that press against the clitoris and vibrate separately from the shaft which probably explains why it’s one of the bestselling toys on the market. Indeed, many women only use the bunny ears and don’t actually insert the shaft inside themselves at all (although if you do, and turn on the vibrate function, it’ll provide G-spot stimulation at the same time, which is certainly an experience that every woman should try at least once). But the rabbit is less than ideal if you want to use a vibrator on your clitoris during sex to speed your orgasm, so if that’s what you’re after, opt for a bullet-type toy. Do check the level of vibrations before purchase if you possibly can, though. If you’re new to toys, a mild buzz is probably best to start with (unless you find it hard to climax because you don’t have a particularly sensitive clitoris), as the sensation does take a little getting used to. Should you inadvertently buy a toy that’s too intense for you, however, don’t panic. You can lessen the vibrations, either by using a battery that’s near the end of its life or by putting your hand between the vibrator and your bits. Generally speaking, the harder the toy, the more intense the vibrations, so a ‘real-feel cyberskin’ toy will be a lot gentler than a hard plastic vibe. And use your common sense when it comes to picking a toy to use during sex: a smaller, flatter toy will obviously be much easier to hold against yourself than a massive vibrating phallus. While some people claim that the G-spot is a myth, hundreds of thousands of women would claim that this is nonsense. Just a few inches inside the vagina on the upper wall, the G-spot is an area that swells when stimulated and is thought to be the top of the clitoris (which is wishbone shaped and actually extends inside the vagina; the thing that we identify as the clitoris is actually just the tip). The swelling is caused by a buildup of prostatic fluid (basically, semen without the sperm in it) and if the G-spot is stimulated in the right way, this fluid can be released causing female ejaculation. If you do squirt when your G-spot is stimulated, don’t panic, it’s not urine (even though some women feel as if they want to urinate when their G-spot is stimulated as it’s so close to the bladder), but you can still end up with a hefty wet patch. You have several options when it comes to G-spot stimulation with toys. The first is to opt for a vibrator or dildo that has a curved tip. This can be positioned, with the curve pointing upwards, to press against the upper wall of the vagina and hit the elusive spot. You can get toys of different girths, but it may be easiest to start with one of the more slender models on the market. It can take a while to find the spot and you might want to practise alone first so that you can guide your partner to the right place, but once you find it, you may well find that it enhances your orgasm, so it’s certainly worth the hunt. Another option is simply to opt for a very large toy. This isn’t recommended if you have a partner with penis-size issues, as they’ll only end up feeling inadequate. You should also ensure that you use a lot of lubricant with large toys as it’s entirely possibly to give yourself cystitis if you use something that’s too big for you. However, one of the advantages of a large toy is that it’s damned near impossible to miss your G-spot, so you won’t have to faff around, angling it in the right way. The very latest G-spot toys are designed for use with a partner rather than alone. One of them, the G-pilot, is shaped like an ice-cream scoop and designed to slip inside the woman, then angle the man’s penis in the right direction. However, it’s made from hard plastic, so unless you like the idea of feeling that pressing into your bits (when I tried it with my partner it took us all of thirty seconds before we had to take it out because it was hurting us both), it’s not really worth the effort. Another option is the G-thrust, which looks like a pair of ankle cuffs (like handcuffs for ankles) with a piece of plastic between them that the woman uses to pull against the man’s feet and angle him towards her G-spot. This is much more effective, although you may feel a bit of an idiot wearing the G-thrust as it doesn’t exactly look sexy. Then again, having a good sense of humor will always make sex better, so it’s certainly worth giving it a go.  Nipple stimulation Once upon a time the only option for nipple stimulation, toy wise, was nipple clamps. While these are all very well if you like firm nipple play, they can be a bit intense if that’s not your bag. Luckily, the market has expanded and you can now get vibrating nipple cups that sit over your nipples and buzz away, leaving your partner with both hands free to use elsewhere, or suction cups comprising a squeezable bulb with a sucker that sits over the nipple and can emulate a partner sucking on your nipples. Either can be fun, although some of the suction cups can be slightly hard work to use, leaving you with tired fingers and thumbs. While nipple toys can enhance sex, there’s still not anything out there, clamps aside, that’s as good as the real thing, so they’re better for solo play than for use with a partner. Anal stimulation for her Although for some women anal play is a top turn-on, many find the idea of it unpleasant. However, anal stimulation can indirectly stimulate the G-spot so, as such, it isn’t something to be discounted offhand. If you don’t try it, you won’t know if you like it. If you are planning on having anal sex, it’s certainly worth investing in some toys, as you can get something that’s smaller than a penis and use it to help accustom the anus to penetration. Taking a penis from a ‘standing start’ can be a little intimidating, after all. When using anal toys remember the following: • Use a lot of lubricant. This is the golden rule, as the anus doesn’t self-lubricate and using a toy without lube is just asking for trouble, in the form of anal tears and fissures (small cuts). • Never insert anything into the anus that isn’t designed for the purpose, either by having a flared base or a string to pull it out. The anal muscles work differently from those in the vagina and it’s all too easy for things to get stuck. • Start small and work your way up (assuming, of course, that you want to; there’s nothing wrong with starting small and staying small). And remember that vibrating toys feel larger once they’re switched on, so take that into account when choosing one. • Never use anal toys in the vagina after use in the anus. This can give you an infection and put you out of action: hardly the point of toy play. In terms of options, there are butt plugs of every size, anal beads (including designer ones made of rose quartz) and anal ‘stretchers’ of varying sizes that are designed to help the anus get used to penetration over a period of time. It’s definitely best to choose anal toys together unless it’s something that you’ve discussed in detail, otherwise the receiving partner may feel put on the spot and pressured into doing something he or she doesn’t want to. Anal stimulation for him One of the growth areas for sex toys in recent years has been anal toys for men. As society loosens up (ahem), men are beginning to realize that wanting anal stimulation doesn’t make them gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and that prostate stimulation can be damned good fun. The prostate (also known as the male G-spot) is situated a few inches inside the anus on the upper wall. It feels like a walnut and swells when stimulated. By far the easiest way to find it is by slipping on a pair of latex gloves (having first cut your nails), lubing up your fingers then slipping a finger inside the anus, slowly enough that it relaxes around you. Never do this without warning. (Women’s magazines have been responsible for a lot of men leaping out of bed in horror when their partner tried prostate stimulation on a whim, having read an article saying that men love it.) However, if you’re both game for giving it a go, it can certainly enhance oral sex and will probably speed a man’s orgasm to impressive levels. Once you’ve dallied with anal play, you have various toy options: using a butt plug or anal beads, as with a woman, buying a specially designed prostate massager such as the Nexus or Aneros (both of which provide perineum stimulation too) or going the whole hog and getting a strap-on. Strap-on sex for straight couples is becoming increasingly common. It’s estimated that about a third of strap-ons are sold to couples for the woman to use on the man. Choosing a dildo or vibrator together is probably a good idea as many men are understandably intimidated about the idea of being ‘taken’. Getting the right harness is essential too, as otherwise the strap-on can move around making it tricky to position it so that it hits the prostate. You can get all-in-one harnesses that come complete with a dildo attached, harnesses that slip on like a pair of knickers and others that are worn around both legs with a central hole through which you slip the dildo. The latter two options allow you to use dildos of different sizes, making them best for beginners who want to start small and work their way up to something larger. Some harnesses include a hole to fit a vibrating bullet into so that the woman can get clitoral stimulation as her man gets prostate stimulation, which is an all-round winner. As with anal stimulation for women, there are a few things to remember: • Use a lot of lubricant. • Go slowly. • Start small. Of course, masturbating your man as you penetrate him will give him a double-whammy of pleasure (assuming he’s into prostate stimulation in the first place and not just trying it in the name of experimentation). On a more flippant note, strap-on sex is also a great way to discourage an overly persistent male partner who is desperate to have anal sex on a regular basis, even though his partner’s not that into it. Simply say, ‘I will if you will’, and you’ll be amazed at how much more seriously your man will think about what he’s asking for. You big show-off If you’re both comfortable about the idea of toys, you may decide to put a toy show on for each other. You need only buy a porn video to see that, generally, men like the idea of watching a woman with a toy. However, while women in porn may get stuffed with the biggest monster plastic members around, it’s far safer to opt for a toy that’s either smaller than your man or non-phallic so that you don’t intimidate him (unless you’re getting into sub/Dom play, in which case a large toy may be exactly what you’re after: to make the woman ‘take’ as much as is possible or humiliate the man because his dimensions don’t match up). And while male sex toys were once the thing of cheap jokes, you can now get masturbation sheaths that fit in the palm of the hand and don’t look as risible as the classic inflatable doll, so putting on a masturbation show isn’t just something that women can do for their partner. Although you can put on a toy show simply to give your lover a visual treat, it’s infinitely better if you masturbate as you really do when you’re alone – that way, your partner will learn how you like a toy to be used on you, and be able to incorporate your favorite tricks when you use a toy together. However, you can always throw in a few moves that are purely there to turn your lover on. For women, slipping a finger into your own anus as you use a toy will probably give your man a thrill, as it suggests you’re a ‘bad girl’. Similarly, watching you penetrate yourself with a toy rather than simply using it on your clitoris will probably get his imagination going. Making eye contact as you masturbate with a toy will help your partner feel more connected to what you’re doing, regardless of gender. And seeing a man ejaculate can be hot too, so if you’re using a sheath, remove it at the point of climax to let your partner see the flow (or possibly feel it splashing over her body, if she’s into ejaculate, which many women are). Another fun and kinky way to use sex toys is to simulate group sex. If a woman has sexual fantasies about having sex with two men at the same time, her partner could emulate this by using a vibrator down below as he slides himself into her mouth, or vice versa. And if a man likes the idea of having a threesome, the woman can use a masturbation sheath on his member while she sits on his face. The Tenga is a new toy that’s particularly effective for this kind of simulation: the vacuum makes it produce realistic squelching sounds and the interior is designed to feel as much like a real woman as possible, right down to having a simulated cervix; so all you need to do is close your eyes and you can immerse yourself fully in the fantasy. Above all, let go of any feelings of self-consciousness when you put on a toy show for your partner. If you simply enjoy the stimulation and make sure that your partner knows they can take over at any point, you’re bound to have a fun night. Friendly Fetish: A Beginner's Guide to Kink by Emily Dubberley is published by Piatkus, priced at £9.99 and is available through all good book outlets. Friendly Fetish A Beginner's Guide to Kink By Emily Dubberley Reprinted with permission of Piatkus www.piatkus.co.uk |
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