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 Kinky Props and Fetish FashionToys for Grown-ups An Excerpt from Friendly Fetish, A Beginner’s Guide to Kink By Emily Dubberley VIEW BOOK! Nowadays, sex toys have entered the mainstream enough that they may not seem fetishistic at all to some people. However, there are still many couples who consider the idea of getting plastic fantastic to be most definitely kinky. And if you think about it, sex toys fit into the technical definition of a fetish because you’re attaching sexual significance to something that is ‘an object or non-genital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation’ (even if said object was designed with sexual pleasure in mind). So it’s certainly something that fits into the ‘friendly fetish’ world. While some toys are clearly designed to look like the genitals that they’re emulating, you can now get vibrators in the shape of a cone or sphere, a lipstick, a bath sponge and numerous different colours of rubber duck. At the more standard end of the range are numerous variations of the ‘Rabbit’ – a vibrator with a rotating shaft to stimulate the G-spot and ‘bunny ears’ to rub against the clitoris – along with small ‘bullets’ that tend to deliver more intense vibrations, love eggs and traditional ‘non-doctor’ vibrators that look like a smooth plastic version of a penis, to name just a few.  And sex toys aren’t just for women. The last few years have seen a massive extension in the range of sex toys for men. In addition to the somewhat risible inflatable dolls on the market, you can now get ribbed, ridged or ‘bobbled’ masturbation gloves that either partner wears to give a different sensation when masturbating the penis. There are suction cups designed to simulate oral sex, fake vaginas and anuses (sometimes both at once) that come in a handy can for ease of storage and prostate massagers should a man prefer stimulation where the sun doesn’t shine. If you’re really loaded, there’s even the option to get sex dolls that look exactly like real women (and can be modeled, somewhat creepily, on a partner of your choice, whether it’s your actual partner or a total stranger). While women may not have quite the same desire to watch their partner using a toy as men tend to, the range of options available means that, should you want to, the resultant show won’t make your partner collapse in giggles. (As long as you don’t opt for the doll.) While some people are uncomfortable with the idea of using sex toys (or, just as commonly, feel intimidated at the idea of their partner using them), they can be a fabulous way to add extra fun to your sex sessions and they’re a lot less expensive nowadays than you might think. In most countries, you can get one of the very cheapest sex toys for as little as the cost of a bottle of beer, although there are also designer sex toys made from platinum trimmed with diamonds, which will, of course, set you back a lot more. Basically, there are toys to suit every budget, so being broke needn’t be a barrier to getting into toy play. If you do like the idea of experimenting with toys, don’t just plunge in by presenting your lover with a bag full of vibrators or masturbation sheaths, a multi-pack of batteries and a jumbo bottle of lube. While this may work for some couples, there’s still a stigma attached to the idea of masturbation for many people, particularly if it’s their partner doing it. They may fear that a sex toy is a replacement for actual sex, or a negative comment about their sexual technique. They might worry that a partner could become addicted to sex toys and go off penetrative sex or they could be concerned that a toy is bigger or tighter than they are and, as such, will increase a partner’s expectations to unrealistic measures. Or they might just feel foolish about the idea of using a piece of plastic to get off. Before you even consider spending any money on a toy, it’s worth discussing any concerns and expectations that you may have about incorporating toys into the relationship. If one partner is reticent, don’t push the issue; there’s no point trying something new unless both of you are into the idea. However, there really is no need to feel intimidated by a toy. It may be available and willing all the time (assuming you’ve got enough batteries), but it can’t give you a hug or a compliment, it can’t kiss and it can’t make you a cup of tea after sex, so there’s no way it’s remotely comparable to a real-life partner. (OK, not all partners will do all the above either, but at least they can be trained.) There are many ways in which sex toys can help to improve your sex life. If one of you feels frisky and the other one isn’t in the mood, a toy can help relieve the pressure. If one of you has reached climax during sex and just wants to go to sleep, a toy can help you give your partner an orgasm before you doze off, and thus stop you from being perceived as a lazy lover. Obviously, having toys in the house makes it more likely that you can fit in a quickie masturbation session when you get a spare five minutes, which can only be a positive thing because orgasms are good for your health as well as feeling pretty damned amazing. And this isn’t just good for you either: according to research, the more orgasms a person has, the more they want, so you’re actually more likely rather than less so to pounce on your partner if you masturbate on a regular basis. Once you’ve discussed any concerns that you might have about sex toys, by far the easiest way to introduce them into your relationship is to buy a toy together that you can use together. That way, you can ensure that neither of you feels uncomfortable with the toy, either mentally or physically, and both of you get maximum benefit from it. There are numerous ways in which to use sex toys together. For example, a bullet-style vibrator can be held against the clitoris during sex to increase a woman’s pleasure, or held against the perineum during penetrative or oral sex to increase the man’s. A vibrating cock ring will help a man stay harder for longer while increasing the thrills for his partner. And anal beads can be used by either partner to add an extra dimension to sex (but don’t share them, unless you wash them thoroughly and use anti-bacterial wipes on them in between sessions). You can also get toys that are specifically designed for couples: cock ring/bullet vibe combinations that are attached to each other so you can use both at once; finger vibrators that either partner can slip on to add an extra buzz to manual stimulation; and oral sex toys that either slip over the tongue or through a tongue-piercing hole, if you have one, and vibrate as your tongue works its magic. And toys don’t just have to be used when you’re together in a physical sense. You can now get vibrators powered by mobile phone calls: send your lover a text message and, if the toy is in place, you’ll give them an extra thrill. There are remote-controlled vibrators that are discreet enough to wear in public and a fantastic way to get your partner’s attention when they’re on the other side of the room at a party. And there are vibrators that connect to your computer and can be controlled by a lover across the Internet, so you can still indulge in toy play even when you’re apart. Of course, sex toys don’t just have to be about the obvious erogenous zones. Blindfolds can be used for sensual play as well as more extreme kink, and feather ticklers, fake-fur mitts and satin gloves can all be used to change the sensation of stroking your partner’s skin. And then there are the numerous lotions and potions that are out there. You can now get creams to tighten the vagina or swell the G-spot, intensify stimulation or delay ejaculation and warm on contact to give a new sensation altogether. However, do be careful when using such creams: test them on your inner thigh and wait for twenty-four hours before applying them anywhere more sensitive, as you don’t want to discover an allergy by getting bumps all over your bits. That said, as long as you buy these products from a reputable supplier you should be fine; it’s just better to be safe than sorry when it comes to genital health. If you’re still not sure what to buy when you hit the sex shop or online store, think about the ways that you most like to be stimulated, then pick a toy designed for the purpose. See it as an addition to your sex life rather than a replacement: what’s the harm in having an extra way to bring your partner pleasure, after all? Clitoral Stimulation This is by far the most common sort of stimulation that women seek, and every vibrator will provide it as long as you, surprise, surprise, hold it against the clitoris. However, not all toys are created equal. The ubiquitous Rabbit has specially designed bunny ears that press against the clitoris and vibrate separately from the shaft which probably explains why it’s one of the bestselling toys on the market. Indeed, many women only use the bunny ears and don’t actually insert the shaft inside themselves at all (although if you do, and turn on the vibrate function, it’ll provide G-spot stimulation at the same time, which is certainly an experience that every woman should try at least once). But the rabbit is less than ideal if you want to use a vibrator on your clitoris during sex to speed your orgasm, so if that’s what you’re after, opt for a bullet-type toy. Do check the level of vibrations before purchase if you possibly can, though. If you’re new to toys, a mild buzz is probably best to start with (unless you find it hard to climax because you don’t have a particularly sensitive clitoris), as the sensation does take a little getting used to. Should you inadvertently buy a toy that’s too intense for you, however, don’t panic. You can lessen the vibrations, either by using a battery that’s near the end of its life or by putting your hand between the vibrator and your bits. Generally speaking, the harder the toy, the more intense the vibrations, so a ‘real-feel cyberskin’ toy will be a lot gentler than a hard plastic vibe. And use your common sense when it comes to picking a toy to use during sex: a smaller, flatter toy will obviously be much easier to hold against yourself than a massive vibrating phallus. While some people claim that the G-spot is a myth, hundreds of thousands of women would claim that this is nonsense. Just a few inches inside the vagina on the upper wall, the G-spot is an area that swells when stimulated and is thought to be the top of the clitoris (which is wishbone shaped and actually extends inside the vagina; the thing that we identify as the clitoris is actually just the tip). The swelling is caused by a buildup of prostatic fluid (basically, semen without the sperm in it) and if the G-spot is stimulated in the right way, this fluid can be released causing female ejaculation. If you do squirt when your G-spot is stimulated, don’t panic, it’s not urine (even though some women feel as if they want to urinate when their G-spot is stimulated as it’s so close to the bladder), but you can still end up with a hefty wet patch. You have several options when it comes to G-spot stimulation with toys. The first is to opt for a vibrator or dildo that has a curved tip. This can be positioned, with the curve pointing upwards, to press against the upper wall of the vagina and hit the elusive spot. You can get toys of different girths, but it may be easiest to start with one of the more slender models on the market. It can take a while to find the spot and you might want to practise alone first so that you can guide your partner to the right place, but once you find it, you may well find that it enhances your orgasm, so it’s certainly worth the hunt. Another option is simply to opt for a very large toy. This isn’t recommended if you have a partner with penis-size issues, as they’ll only end up feeling inadequate. You should also ensure that you use a lot of lubricant with large toys as it’s entirely possibly to give yourself cystitis if you use something that’s too big for you. However, one of the advantages of a large toy is that it’s damned near impossible to miss your G-spot, so you won’t have to faff around, angling it in the right way. The very latest G-spot toys are designed for use with a partner rather than alone. One of them, the G-pilot, is shaped like an ice-cream scoop and designed to slip inside the woman, then angle the man’s penis in the right direction. However, it’s made from hard plastic, so unless you like the idea of feeling that pressing into your bits (when I tried it with my partner it took us all of thirty seconds before we had to take it out because it was hurting us both), it’s not really worth the effort. Another option is the G-thrust, which looks like a pair of ankle cuffs (like handcuffs for ankles) with a piece of plastic between them that the woman uses to pull against the man’s feet and angle him towards her G-spot. This is much more effective, although you may feel a bit of an idiot wearing the G-thrust as it doesn’t exactly look sexy. Then again, having a good sense of humor will always make sex better, so it’s certainly worth giving it a go. |
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