Excerpt from Couples and Money: A Couples' Guide Updated for the New Millennium by Victoria F. Collins
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To hear Mary Jo and Steve tell it, their first date began like one of those syrupy romance novels. MJ had coaxed Steve into eating at Chez Renee, an upscale Art Nouveau eatery famous for its cuisine, elegance, and prices.
 
“There she was, positively beaming in this white silk dress,” said Steve.  “The food was incredible.  We had two bottles of Merlot and were feeling no pain at all.  There was a lot of chemistry going on.”

“Then the check arrives, and all of a sudden there’s this really uncomfortable silence,” MJ chimed in.  “I mean, he had invited me to dinner, but I suggested the restaurant.  So I pick up the check and go for my purse.  I look across the table at my dashing date, and his face is redder than the wine and he looks like he’s about to either pour that glass in my lap or make a quick dash for the door.  We split the check.  But it was over a month before he called me again.” 

The financial etiquette of first dates is a prime topic.  Theories—about whether men should pay for women, women should pay for men, or any combination of the above—come cheap and plentiful.  Yet Hidden Investments speak louder than any rule of protocol—and those ingrained messages, fears, beliefs and biases are hard at work in the midst of candlelight and mood music.Hidden Investments telegraph unspoken messages about how you really feel and what you really want, especially on those first dates while you’re sizing each other up.
·        “ I want to be taken care of, to know someone is there to provide for me.”

·        “I can take care of myself.  I won’t be obligated to anyone.”

·        “I want you to see me as successful and attractive.”

·        “I’m capable, a good provider.”

·        “I want to be sure you can be trusted, that you won’t take advantage of me.” 

Many of those subliminal dialogues, or subtexts, were reeling away as the waiter brought the check over to Mary Jo and Steve’s table.  Through the seemingly inconsequential act of paying a dinner check they were ‘telling’ each other about their needs for autonomy, power, and self-esteem. 

Mary Jo believed she had every obligation to foot her half of the tab.  She had a job, after all.  She also later confided, “I wasn’t sure about my sexual obligation.  When a man wines and dines you, sometimes there’s an assumption that you’ll be paying your share later.  In bed.  I don’t like to be indebted.” Steve couldn’t have seen things more differently.

“That restaurant was way out of my league.  I thought I’d stretch a little to impress the gorgeous woman I was with.  ‘Big spender—big man’ and all that.  When she went for the check I was, well, embarrassed.” Given the high health liabilities involved, singles today are forced to be unromantically blunt about their sexual arrangements.  So, too, the complexities of financial life are forcing couples to deal with money matters frankly and fast. 

Imagine saying “I expect to pay my own way tonight,” or “Since you have a higher income, let’s share expenses proportional to what we make,” or “I believe a man should pay a woman’s way—how do you feel about that?” 

Clients of mine who have laid it on the line to their prospective partners report they feel vulnerable, embarrassed, or overly aggressive. To communicate honestly about your love/money expectations, needs, and beliefs requires you to overcome the powerful taboos set up to thwart you. 

In our appearance-oriented society, courtship rituals emphasize looking good.  For men, and increasingly for women, looking good means looking successful.  Well groomed.  Well heeled. Those not to the manner born must learn to make appearances belie the financial facts. 

It isn’t uncommon to pretend you’re more prosperous than you are, in order to coax your prospective mate a little closer to true love.  Once he or she has fallen for you, the reasoning goes, then your financial circumstances won’t matter. 

If you’ve ever been vague about how much money you really earned, left out the unseemly details of your financial woes, or hidden your wealth for fear of being taken advantage of, you aren’t alone.  Dating couples, as a matter of course, are rarely up-front about their financial circumstances. 

From what I’ve observed, the favorite topics to omit include: 

·        What you can (and can’t) afford

·        How much money you really have to spend

·        How much of the financial responsibilities for courtship you can shoulder

·        What the financial arrangements will be, once courtship spending wanes and the financial reality of living as a couple dawns 

The problem with not telling the truth about money on those first forays into romance is that there will always be morning after.  The time eventually rolls around for that distinctly unromantic conversation.  “Now, sweetheart, we have to have a little talk about money.” 

It’s little wonder such incorruptible romantics as Romeo and Juliet usually die in each other’s arms long before they have to start filling out income tax returns and paying electric bills. 

“So who should pay for those expensive first dates?” you might be asking. Certainly, no one system will work on every date, but there are several arrangements that can be made tactfully at the moment when the piper is to be paid or, better yet, in advance. 

·        The wealthier partner can pay for everything.

·        Partners can trade off expenses.

·        Expenses can be split, either in half or in proportion to income. 

If you are now dating, or are considering dating, it’s important to state clearly for yourself what you believe your financial arrangements should be.  Understand where those beliefs come from before you present them to your date. 

The Right Moment
If the right moment for bringing up the subject of money doesn’t present itself, then create the right moment.  Introduce the topic in general terms (“So what do you think about the budget deficit?”) and work your way down to who will pay for the Brie and champagne when you go on the picnic next Sunday.  Respect your partner’s feelings and beliefs as well as what he or she can afford. 

Even the most casual lovers are accepting a certain degree of interdependence, laying down rules for how they will relate to each other forever after.  To broach openly the question of the finances of dating is to acknowledge your date’s financial integrity.  That’s an intimacy that can only reward you later should the relationship grow into something more.

From Couples and Money: A Couples' Guide Updated for the New Millennium by Victoria F. Collins
Reprinted by Permission of Gabriel Publications