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| by Douglas K. Snyder, PhD, Donal H. Baucom, PhD, & Kristina Coop Gordon, PhD |
 Excerpt from Getting Past the Affair:A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move on—Together or Apart VIEW BOOK!  Few crises are as traumatic as discovering a spouse has been unfaithful. In the days that follow, both partners may feel vulnerable and frightened of the future. How to deal with the changes, hour by hour, day by day, can seem too daunting. This excerpt from Getting Past the Affair includes ideas and an exercise to help couples through this difficult time. Right after an affair comes to light, life feels unsafe. Most couples describe their relationship as chaotic. Now that all the “givens” have been destroyed and the rules violated, they have no idea how to interact just to get through the day. How should you and your partner try to deal with what’s happening in your relationship? How do you communicate without letting your feelings get out of control? What should you talk about? How do you manage routine activities like preparing meals, taking care of the children, or paying bills? How affectionate does either of you feel toward the other, and what should you do if you differ in this area? Most important, how do you and your partner avoid making things worse? Couples usually react in one of three ways, and often they try various approaches because nothing seems to work 1. Some couples try to go on as if nothing has happened and immediately attempt to put the affair behind them. 2. Other couples are frightened by the possibility that their relationship might end and increase their efforts to get close. They spend more time together, make love more often, and try to create in their relationship whatever closeness or passion might have been missing. 3. Still other couples feel they need to get away from each other, avoid each other, retreat to different corners of the house, or perhaps live apart for a while until the anger simmers down. Sometimes a separation can be a last resort for reducing endless arguments or is important in stopping physical aggression that destroys whatever chances the relationship had. But at other times a separation at this point can deepen mistrust, drive partners further apart, and increase the outside person’s access to the participating partner who may actually be trying to end the affair. Here’s the advice we often give couples trying to deal with the immediate aftermath of an affair: “For now, let’s just focus on trying not to make things worse. There’s not a lot of recovery that’s likely to happen right now. But the chances of your recovering down the road could be strongly affected by decisions you make about how to deal with things over the next month or two.” Setting good boundaries is probably the most important way to avoid making things worse. You’re going to need boundaries between your partner and you, between you two and the outside affair person, and between you two and other people who may or may not need to be told about the affair. The boundaries you’ll need first, just to get through each day, are the ones between you and your partner, so these are discussed here. But if you find that too many conversations quickly reach a boiling point, that you can’t seem to make the simplest decisions together, or that you can’t establish a constructive give-and-take between talking and listening when you try to share difficult feelings, turn to Chapter 3 for specific communication skills and strategies. And if the participating partner is still struggling to end the affair—either because of ongoing strong feelings for the outsider or because the outside person doesn’t want to let go, or both—you may want to skip ahead and read the relevant portion of Chapter 4 before reading the rest of this chapter. EXERCISE 2.2. DECIDING HOW TO INTERACT FOR NOW Many areas of the relationship, from handling chores to physical intimacy, may feel confusing or uncertain to you or your partner right now. It’s important to work toward decisions that specify what each partner will and will not do and what the trial period will be, such as the next few days or the next few weeks. Managing Basic Tasks You and your partner probably need to reach decisions about a variety of chores. List the top five tasks or areas of responsibility that you and your partner will need to decide how to handle in order to get through the next week or two. For each of these (1) state what the task or concern is, clearly and specifically, and (2) propose some possible solutions. For example: “We need to decide how to handle the kids’ activities after school. I propose that we continue the same transportation plans we’ve used in the past. I’d like us both to continue to attend their events and sit together, but without the need to talk with each other if we don’t feel like it.” Or “I’d like us to continue to have meals together at night, but for the time being not to have lunch together anymore.” Or “I’d like you to continue to pay the bills, but I’d like a brief update every week on what’s been paid out and what our bank balance is so I can be better informed about our finances.” Engaging in Acts of Caring In the past, you and your partner may have exchanged simple acts of caring that now feel uncertain or awkward—for example, calling on the phone during the day just to chat, going for a walk together, offering a neck massage, or making the other person a snack. List four or five ways that you’d like you and your partner to engage in simple acts of caring over the next few weeks. As you list these, try to include one or two behaviors in each of these categories: • Unilateral: Things either of you can do on your own for the other. For example: “I’d like you to check over my car for me at the beginning of each week to make sure I have enough gas and that the oil and tires are okay.” • Parallel: Things you do together but that don’t require much interaction. For example: “I’d like us to watch a movie together.” Or “I’d like us to go to church together.” • Joint: Things that you do together that involve direct interaction. For example: “I’d like to go to dinner with you and just enjoy ourselves, with no discussion of what happened. I need some time together that feels relaxed and safe.” Dealing with Your Sexual Relationship You and your partner need to decide how you’re going to deal with your physical or sexual relationship over the next few weeks. Your feelings about this may change over time, so it will be important to have a strategy for how to check back with each other on this from time to time. Because the two of you may have different preferences concerning your level of sexual involvement right now, the guideline we encourage is to limit these exchanges to the safest level needed by either partner. List the level of physical or sexual involvement that you would like to have with your partner over the next week or two. Describe who you’d like to be responsible for initiating these interactions and how you’d like to handle it if either one of you becomes uncomfortable during these times. For example: “Sometimes I need us to make love because it feels reassuring to me. Other times I’m not comfortable even with your just touching me. I’d like for either one of us to be able to give the other a simple hug outside of the bedroom. But, for now, to feel safe I want to be the one to initiate anything more than that—including making love or even kissing. If we’re beginning to become more intimate and it starts to feel uncomfortable for me, I want to be able to say so and for us to stop what we’re doing without any explanation required and without either of us getting angry toward the other.” Or “For right now, I really don’t want any physical contact. I just can’t handle it; it brings everything right back. So let’s not touch each other for now but check back with each other in a week or two.” Getting Past the Affair A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move on—Together or Apart Douglas K. Snyder, PhD, Donal H. Baucom, PhD, & Kristina Coop Gordon, PhD Reprinted with permission of Guilford Press www.guilford.com |
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