Contemplation is critical. It means giving a thorough and detailed consideration to all aspects of your life and your dreams. Several of this book’s chapters will creatively discuss several key aspects of life so that you can expand your contemplations and really broaden your visions of what your life could look like. After you have thought through your wants and dreams with regards to the different variables of your life, you will be able to prepare a plan and then take action toward transforming your life.

Your Mission throughout the following exercises is to take stock of where you are right now, assess how satisfied you are with different dimensions of your life; and begin to reclaim your most cherished dreams. 

The activity is a modification of the Pillars of Life exercise used and developed by Ben Dean, Ph.D. in his MentorCoach Training Program (2000). Let’s get started. 
 

Taking Your First Step 

Get a piece of plain white paper. Position it horizontally so that the long side is along the bottom (not the position you typically write in). Draw thirteen long, thin, vertical pillars, leaving room at the bottom of the page to label each pillar, and room at the top to write the title of this exercise: “The Pillars of an Independent Woman’s Life.” Each pillar represents one important facet of your life; a component that contributes to your ability to be a happy, independent, and strong woman. The definition of each of the categories is different for each woman. You can best personalize this exercise by deciding on your own meaning for and description of each topic:

Label the pillars from left to right as follows:

         Home Environment

         Physical Body

         Spiritual Life

          Personal Time

         Financial Wellness

          Family

         Relationship with Former Spouse

         Friends

         Self-Knowledge

         Sense of Independence

        Career/Professional

         Hobbies and Interests

         Intimate Relationships 

In each column, record your current level of satisfaction with that specific area of your life on a scale from 1 to 10. Ten would indicate that you could not be happier with the way that you are experiencing that area right now. A score of 1 would mean that you are not pleased with that area right now in any way. When you score a particular area, shade in the portion of the column that reflects your satisfaction from the bottom of the column up. For example, if you score an area as a 10, you would fill in the entire column; if you gave the area a 5, you would fill it in halfway, starting from the bottom; a 1 would have little or no filling in the column. This is like a thermometer where no color means no temperature (no satisfaction) and a fully colored thermometer means a lot of fever (lots of satisfaction).

Go through the whole list. Take your time. For each component, close your eyes, go inside yourself, and ask, “How am I doing? How do I feel about this area of my life?” When you have finished take a break. Self-reflection is draining work.

Congratulations for doing this first exercise; it means that you are taking your transformation very seriously and that you are very committed to making changes that will bring you joy and fulfillment. Women who take the time to contemplate and plan have the best chance at really impacting their lives. In completing step 1, you have demonstrated your commitment to yourself. This is terrific and very important. Ready to move on?

Taking Your Second Step

Your second task will require that you use your notebook or a journal. This assignment may take some time. It will be most beneficial if you think expansively and thoroughly with this part of the exercise.

For each area listed, describe what a score of 10 would look like. Construct an image of your ideal: if you were really, really happy with each area of your life, what would it look like? What would you be doing? Who would be in your life? What kinds of activities would you be doing? Dare to dream. The more detail you are able to record about your ideals, the more this part of the exercise will serve you later on. Leave plenty of blank space in your journal after you have written about a particular category. You will want to add to your thoughts as you read this book and spend more time thinking and fantasizing about your dreams.

This is an important activity and well worth the investment of your time for several reasons:

1.      Recalling your fantasies will give you energy; your dreams are the fuel that drives your actions

2.      Having an image of a 10 will allow you to develop a plan that has a logical series of steps; your plan will move toward a defined outcome.

3.      Having a picture of your prize in your mind will motivate you, call you forward, give you something to work toward, and, hopefully, have fun doing it.

Done with step 2? Great! You’ll have to come back to your vision in chapter 6 as you look at ways that you can expand yourself even further and create an almost unthinkable, huge, terrific, audacious, fantastic life vision for yourself. You may begin to identify how you get in your own way and impose limitations on your dreams. This will be addressed later. For now, take a break. Yet, again, you have proven to yourself that you are committed to transforming your life. You have put action behind your wishes. You are on the road!
 

A Few Last Questions to Ponder

There are many questions to consider before you actually begin to make significant changes. (Many of them will be addressed throughout the following chapters.) For the moment, however, allow yourself time to ponder, just let your mind wander, and recognize the possibilities that exist if you have the courage to set out toward a new future. Would you have the freedom and opportunity to make changes in some of these categories while you were still in your marriage? What steps need to be taken so that you can move your life from where you rate it today to a score of 10? Under what conditions would you be willing to take these steps?

            At the conclusion of this exercise, many women experience tremendous longing. Some feel they have been so preoccupied with surviving day to day that they have not given much thought to how far away they are from living the life that they have always wanted. They also say that they are enormously pessimistic about their ability to reach a 10 in any category. You may feel similarly. Still, you have a challenge before you to hang in there and navigate through your fears and beliefs about what is and isn’t possible. Grab on to your desires to live a fulfilling and happy life. Realize that staying with your unhappy circumstances is no longer acceptable.

            As I reflect back during my times of feeling unhappy and stuck, what moved me through those moments was a belief that somewhere there were possibilities that I had yet to consider; that among all of the doors that seemed locked, there was one that was unlocked. My mission was to keep jiggling all of the knobs until I found the open door. I just couldn’t stand the powerlessness (and misery) of staying still and not reaching for untried doors. For me, as long as I could discover one more door, there was the possibility that I would not be locked out of the wonderful life that I wanted so badly to live. I invite you to find your unlocked doors.

            In the chapters that follow, each of the Pillars of an Independent Woman’s life will be examined. Possibilities and choices that other women have made are available to you, too. You will learn how to plan, how to take action, and how to keep going when success seems to elude you. You will be asked questions and introduced to some concepts that hopefully will open up new ways for you to think about yourself.

            As you read this book and actively contemplate your life that was and your life that can be, remember that underneath any fear that you may feel is a rich storehouse of strength, potential, and talent. The trauma that occurs with divorce may interfere with your ability to feel confident and capable, wise and knowing, but your riches are there nonetheless. As you begin to make some changes, no matter how small they may seem compared to the size of your dreams, an increased sense of confidence will follow. It will grow and expand as your transformation unfolds. There is no end to what you can accomplish.

Reprinted with permission by New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Transformational Divorce
A Step-by-Step Action Plan for Women
by Karen Kahn Wilson
www.newharbinger.com